| In Their Own Words | ||||
"If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl, but by all means, keep moving..."
--Martin Luther King, Jr.
| Baby Steps | |
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Baby steps. We say it, every day, often multiple times. Usually at least one person says it in the comments to someone's checking in post, and that may be echoed by at least one other later on – possibly even the original poster. And as with all things that are said often enough to become stock phrases, it becomes time to examine why they're stock phrases in the first place. What we are doing here... well, we all know it, by now. Setting goals. Setting steps to reach those goals. Supporting each other, through all the ups and downs this entails. It's the second one that's at the core of what we do, though. Because there is no magic pill to make this go faster or easier, we have to lay out solutions and plans to fix our problems and meet our goals. And that's where baby steps come in. Partly, I think, because we call ourselves baby courtesans. Partly because of the imagery associated with it. I read an excellent article somewhere, I can no longer remember where, that said this about forming new habits. You have a baby. It starts taking steps. Then it stumbles, and falls on its butt, and looks around being confused for awhile. So you say, oops, I guess this one wasn't ready, let's find a new model? No. It takes time for the baby to learn to walk. (If you can't fly, you run. If you can't run, you walk. If you can't walk, you crawl. If you can't crawl, we're here to carry you.) And so, baby steps. Faltering, stumbling, maybe even stopping for a second to figure out if this is the right direction to go in. But we practice, and we set small tasks. And maybe in another month we set bigger ones, until we're walking steadily. But the baby steps, the basics that we've set out for ourselves? Those are always there to come back to. These are the routines and habits we're building right now, the things that will allow us a safety net when the jump between one step and the next looks too big and scary. For me, that's getting up at about the same time, exercising, working with my hands, and keeping a basic level of cleanliness for the apartment. Ideally, I will be able to add violin and languages to this over the next six months; violin is on its way. For Jag, that seems to be steady sleep schedule, languages, exercises, and work, on a work day. It differs from person to person, though I think sleep schedule and exercises are probably two of the larger constants – but what's most important is figuring out what your baseline is, for baby steps. And being aware that this baseline will change, as habits are strengthened. Baby steps, indeed. Because that's what we're building from. |
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| Imperfect Action | |
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Alright. I want you all to go read this post. Come back when you've finished it. You can get into the archives of her blog later, I promise. You all goes for that group of you that's working out the goals and how-tos and wherefores of this, and may be reading. Just in case you were wondering if I know. I do. Got it? Good. Now, for some more specifics. We are all female; we are all pretty damn intelligent. Those two things right there create a huge, HUGE amount of baggage for us. Because not only do we get all the stereotyping and the social pressures of being female (and believe me, even if our parents were awesome about trying to avoid it, the rest of the world wasn't)? We get the brains to know how much bullshit that is, and if we dare to show off our brains, we get still more expectations put on us. It starts with the schoolmates who want to cheat off your homework, or the jeers of teacher's pet, or never getting asked on dates because you can't have brains and a sex drive (or a romantic side). Then you get the flip side: surely if you're a woman you can have a career AND a family AND children. Surely you should be kind and gentle and still manage to get all the promotions at the office. It's the updated version of the Madonna/whore complex: be the perfect mother as well as the tough-as-nails career woman. And do them all perfectly. And never let anyone see you making a mistake. To this, I say: BULLSHIT. The only way we can learn new skills is by practicing them. And we will fall down. And we will make mistakes. And, frankly, we will never be perfect. Perfection is something to strive for, if that's your schtick, with the understanding that you will always be refining, always be learning something new. The important part, the only part that matters, is getting back up and doing it anyway. This is why we have Courtesan School: to give each other that shoulder, that hand, as we each need it. To learn not to be afraid to ask for what we need. So, maybe you can't do everything society thinks you should. Maybe, more to the point, you don't want to. You don't have to. Remember, courtesans operated outside the normal boundaries of society. So can we. So will we. We are under obligation to nobody but ourselves to take on everything. Remember what you learn from the failures, so you can implement them next time, just as much as we revel in the successes. Because there will be a next time. I know you don't want to give up now; not when we're just starting to do marvelous things. |
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| The Naming of Courtesans | |
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You've all noticed by now that we use tags. Some of them are general to the community, like "whang pan upside the head" and "sisters side by side." Others are personal tags, so that we can go back and look over our own posts and see how far we've come. But that's not the only reason. Naming, giving ourselves a tag that we want to live up to, a thing we want to be, is a powerful tool when used right. Jag is "the goddamn jaguar," because that's been something she's been reaching towards for at least a couple years. Kiki is "bird of prey flying high" out of a song that holds her real name, and is about a very strong, very determined woman. I am "tigress burning bright" because I've had the white tiger for YEARS and that was the first (and really only) kickass tag we could come up with for it. Names have power. Stealing a tactic out of Jag's book, I have nearly always been Anna. Named for my great-grandmother (about whom I heard many stories of how amazing she was), and my middle name given for one of the great European queens, there was always also a sense of duty, not to let that name down. Occasionally people would try to call me Anne, or Annie, or mispronounce it (it's the long a, not the soft ah-na), and I always, always corrected them. I remember being very small and in Sunday School (yes, I wasn't always a pagan, that's a totally different story) and the very elderly teacher would not stop calling me Annie and I was SO angry. It felt demeaning not to be named properly. As though I weren't worth paying attention to, and if my name was unimportant, how much else about me was unimportant? I think that's a large part of why, growing up, I never really had any nicknames. Oh, they tried in middle school to call me Owl, as a gentle joke between friends, for my glasses and for my more scholarly tendencies than much of my friends group there. But it faded away very quickly, not to be replaced until college. I chose Adsartha for my LJ name out of a Marion Zimmer Bradley book, because I liked her fiery passion a lot better than what seemed to me to be Isarma's cool, calculated nature. It was in my head at the time, and I believe that I have both changed with the name and changed the way I perceive the name itself. (Adsartha, originally, is the character who always falls in love with the person who's not quite right for her. We can talk all we want about the boy who shall not be named, but I think I've moved past that.) There was a time during college when I was regularly called Adsartha by someone I now know to have been extremely, extremely bad for me. A twisted version, in a lot of ways, of what we're trying to accomplish here - very much more hierarchical and demanding levels of... not unquestioning obedience, but definitely an "I've been doing this longer and I am High Muckety Muck of X and you must listen to me" feel. And so being called that offline faded out of existence - until last year. Then I found the forums, and I chose consistency over Internet anonymity, and people began calling me Adsartha again. Or Ads. Or Adsy. And the sense, both of respect and of playful joy that I was around, helped loosen the old ties and hangups I had with that name. I don't promise I would respond in real life to someone who wasn't from the forums calling me Adsartha, but I wouldn't automatically twitch, either. Names have power. Who we allow to call us by those names also has power. Choose carefully, when you choose, and don't feel that you must do so right away. |
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| Motivational Pitfall: Self-Flagellation | |
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Motivation is incredibly, incredibly important, especially if you're learning how to work from home, starting your own business, starting an exercise regimen... okay, it's important for a LOT of things. And more blog posts have been written on the subject of how to motivate yourself when you just don't feel like it than I care to name. Pick your favorite self-improvement guru and go search; you don't need me to tell you things you can find out in ten seconds with Google. There is, however, a common pitfall of motivation. And that's self-flagellation. Motivation is “I'm going to do this anyway.” Self-flagellation is “If I don't do this anyway I suck and I'm a horrible person and I'll have killed puppies by the power of my failure!” Relax. Take a deep breath. Start to do whatever it is that you're supposed to be doing (in my case, writing this blog post, even though I began totally convinced it would sound trite and overused). If you get distracted, don't start bemoaning the fate of the world. For one thing, the world was doing perfectly fine before you started this journey. And for another, it's under your control. Stop your distraction. Take another deep breath. Pull back up what you intended to be working on. (For example, since I began writing this, I have: replied to at least one comment on my personal blog and carried on a conversation in PMs from the forums I frequent. But I brought myself back here, and I will probably be done in the hour I set aside to accomplish this.) Self-flagellation serves no purpose other than to tell yourself that you don't deserve the changes you're making. And all too often, it can lead to a vicious spiral, because if you read this post and realize that you do this all the time, oh my god, then guess what? You're well on the way to beating yourself up for beating yourself up. The best way to pull yourself out of it that I've found is to simply step away. Step away from what you mean to be doing. Step away from the distractions. There's a high likelihood that both things are located in the same place (i.e., your computer), and so you should leave it. Have a glass of water. Put on a pot for coffee or tea. Take a walk around the building. Try to be present with that. My tried-and-true method is to pick up a crafts project: sew a few stitches on my embroidery hoop, knit a few rows. Yours will vary, of course. But the important part is, you're putting it down on purpose. And then you come back to it. Repeat as necessary. Others may find it helpful to meditate. Still others may find it necessary to talk to a friend/lover/family member about what they're doing, to get the outside motivation and confirmation that they are not, in fact, horrible people for needing a momentary break. Try things until you find the one(s) that works for you, and be aware that what works will probably change as you change. I used to need a lot of outside help from some very good friends; now I can largely rely on my inner resources and reading others' blog posts – but I still go back to them and say, this is what I did! Isn't that so cool? And we laugh and they tell me what they accomplished, or what their struggles are. And so we progress – together. |